I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
