Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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