At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
