she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
