Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
