I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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