i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
