OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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