I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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