Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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