God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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