The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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