i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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