nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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