my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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