found the other keg... it's in the tree
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
