Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
