How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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