What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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