Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
