when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
