I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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