Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
