so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
