Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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