I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
