Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
