someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
