She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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