She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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