I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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