fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
the liver wants what the liver wants
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
