I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
