My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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