we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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