im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
