I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
