Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i believe in u and ur pee
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