I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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