Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
