Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
