we have officially lost it.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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