i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
