Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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