One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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