I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
