yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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