i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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