Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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