haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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