It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
