You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
