how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
