Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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