I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Alive.
So much puke
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
