mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
