I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So many bounce houses so little time
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
