he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
